Ask Peeves
by DemonicLime
Summary: The Daily NonProphet starts an advice column called Ask Peeves, featuring the pissed off, sarcastic advice columnist, Peeves. If you want Peeves to answer one of your questions in a future chapter, write it in a review, send me a message, or email it to m
1. Amusing Advice Columnist Selection

_ Daily Non-Prophet Searching For Amusing Advice Columnist_

_Do you find yourself telling people how to live their lives? Giving unwanted insight? Do you love telling people they're wrong? Are you actually any good at it? Are you at all humorous? If you answered, "yes" to the first three questions, "no" to the forth one, and "yes" to the last one, you're perfect for the job of the Daily Non-Prophet's advice columnist. You see, unlike the Daily Prophet and other competing newspapers, we would rather have a witty and amusing advice columnist than a particularity good one. Fuck Dear Abby! (Muggle advice columnist.) We want something better, something different. If you're interested fill out an application (all information given on page seven)._

It was an advertisement posted in the Great Hall that was torn out of a newspaper, and students coming down to breakfast were crowding around the sign.

"I don't need to go to my career advice meeting now!" Exclaimed a fifth year Hufflepuff. "I found my career, being an advice columnist!"

"Come off it! You'd be exactly like that "Dear Abby" they talked about. I'm sending in a parody of the_ Daily Prophet's_ advice column. It would make sense because the _Daily Non-Prophet_ is obviously a parody of the _Daily Prophet_."

"You both are as dull as Binns! You would make horrible entertaining advice columnists, although you would make good normal ones!"

"Oh look, the little kiddies are fighting!" Said a cackling voice. Everyone looked up and saw Peeves the Poltergeist hovering above them.

"I will get the job, no questions about it little noobs! It'll be called Ask Peeves, and if you write in a question praising your supreme ruler, I might refrain from chucking ink pellets at you for entire week! He he he!"

And before anyone could say anything, he flew swooped away laughing madly to himself.

"He's not going to get it." Said Hermione, "They might not want a typical advice columnist, but I think Peeves just a little too untypical, besides that would be copying Ask Jeeves."

"What?" Asked Harry and Ron in unison.

"Oh nothing you two would understand. I wonder why Dumbledore put that add up, it doesn't seem like anything relevant to Hogwarts." She replied as they took a seat at the Gryffindor table.

The following mourning Hermione was reading the newest edition of the _Daily Non-Prophet_, when she almost spilled her breakfast down her robes in shock.

Oh my god. Harry, Ron read this.

_ Amusing Advice Columnist Found Already!_

_After only 24 hours of looking for the perfect advice columnist for this newspaper, we have found and selected a man named Peeves to answer all of your "important" questions. The name of his column will undoubtedly be called Ask Peeves. This is an interview done with the pissed off man himself:_

_Daily Non-Prophet: How are you doing today?_

_Peeves: Terrible. And now I have to do this stupid interview._

_Daily Non-Prophet: Why has your day been so bad?_

_Peeves: Well those little shits down the street are at it again. I had to get rid of the gnomes they threw in my yard. The damn Ministry of Magic won't do anything about it either, because "they're just kids." Bullshit, it's total bullshit._

_Daily Non-Prophet: That sucks!_

_Peeves: Tell me about it, asshole. I should hire an Auror, that'll get rid of those damn kids once and for all._

_Daily Non-Prophet: Sounds like a plan. So tell us about how you came to work at the Daily Non-Prophet._

_Peeves: I had just gotten fired from my last job for sticking my wand up my boss' ass when I saw your add, and needed some cash. End of story. _

_Daily Non-Prophet: We're almost out of space here. Anything else you'd like to say?_

_Peeves: No. Get lost._

"Sounds like Peeves got the job then." Said Harry.

"Don't be an idiot, Harry. Said Hermione, "That sounds just the opposite of Peeves, he's the one who annoys, not the one who is annoyed."

"Sounds a hell of a lot like Filch." Harry commented, "Do you think he's playing some kind of joke on Peeves?"

"Filch couldn't do that, he doesn't have a sense of humor." Said Ron.

"But it wasn't funny, Ron." Hermione stated.

"What the hell are you talking about? That's going to be one hilarious advice column."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is! That's why it can't be Filch!"

"It's not funny, therefore it has a strong possibility of being Filch!"

"You just think that because you're not funny yourself!"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP BOTH OF YOU? My god! You're making me sound like Peeves now. Yelled Harry.

"Here," said Ron taking the newspaper and turning the page, "Peeves tells you how to send him a question, and I'm writing one.

They next page said:

_   
Ask Peeves a Question  
_

_Got a question for me? Send it to me. But you'd better not send me some stupid crap; it has to be an ADVICE question._

_Got that, moron? And you don't want to make yourself look like a tool: check your damn spelling and grammar._

_Address to put on your pointless letters: Peeves at the Daily Non-Prophet_

"I'm writing him now. Said Ron getting out a quill and parchment, "maybe it'll be the first question in his column, ever!"

"Yes, that would be quite a remarkable achievement." Said Hermione sarcastically.

If you want Peeves to answer your question in following chapters write one as a review, send me a message, or e-mail it to me. (Address in my profile.)


	2. I'm NOT Peeves the Poltergeist! Idiot

_Today's Ask Peeves:_

_I'm NOT Peeves the Poltergeist From Hogwarts! Idiot._

_The three questions I'm answering today are all from people who think I'm Peeves the Poltergeist from Hogwarts School. Now, I went to Hogwarts, I know who that annoying piece of shit is. What I don't understand however is the amount of people who think we're the same person. What kind of idiot are you? I don't see how the two of us could be more dissimilar. The only similarity between us is our name (Peeves is a great name I can see why it's so popular), and that's not even a fucking personality trait! Also, before you write bitchy letters to me saying "Three letters who the hell cares?" Know that for every letter answered today regarding Peeves the Poltergeist and I, there are at least 50 more on the same topic. The people who's questions were answered should be grateful I wasted my time with their loser asses._

_Dear Peeves,_

_im sick of a poltergeist called peeves in my school. what should i do?_

_-marauder-lover-forever_

_Marauder-_

_If I hadn't received 150 letters from people who thought I was Peeves the Poltergeist, I would of thought you were actually asking for advice. But unfortunately I did, so I know that your letter was just a pathetic attempt to one-up me. You failed, dumbass!_

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_I know you're Peeves from Hogwarts, but my freind Hermione says it can't be and you sound like you're exactly the opposite. She also thinks you could be Filch. Tell her she's wrong in the paper._

_-Ron Weasley_

_Ron Weasley-_

_Your "freind"(learn to spell you goddamn dullard) was right about one thing that everyone else is too stupid to understand, and I think you know what it is. Even if she was mistaken about one thing (who the fucking hell is "Filch?"), she's still more correct that you are, so get lost._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Mr. Peeves,  
I have a annoying person that I would wish to be rid of. As my sources have confirmed that you are the same Mr. Peeves as the prankster ghost of Hogwarts, I put my trust in your ideas. My adversary has a thing for Asian women, Butterbeer, Quidditch, magical creatures, bookworms, heroics, and have found that he has recently aquired a fetish for bondage with old socks. I will call my opponent 'James'. I would like to make him suffer and forever be scared of me. Or dead. I am open to ALL options, including the more... unsavory approches.  
Awaiting your response,_

_-Half Riddle Man_

_Half Riddle Man-_

_For the last goddamn time, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE HOGWARTS PEEVES AND ME! THERE IS ABOLUTLY NO CONNNECTION BETWEEN US! Now that that's clarified once and for all, ever heard of the "Cruciatus Curse" or "Avada Kedavra?" You wouldn't use those though; you're too much of a wuss._

_-Peeves_

"Damn!" Said Ron after reading Peeves' first column, "My question wasn't first, it was second!"

"Ron!" Yelled Harry in mock anger, "You should be, wait what was it? Oh yeah, grateful he wasted his time with your loser ass!"

"Ron," said Hermione, "I just have one thing to say about this, I WAS RIGH YOU WERE WRONG! HAAAAAA!

"No, you were only right about Peeves not being Peeves, and it's a possibilty that he lied, you know. And you were wrong about him being Filch, so EH!"

"If Peeves was writing Ask Peeves, he wouldn't be able to keep his identity a secret. He'd be bragging about doing something so 'funny.' Filch, on the other hand would be capable of keeping it a secret. Not that that matters, I realized it couldn't be Filch even before this was printed. Last night, I was rereading Ask Peeves a Question, he had no spelling or grammatical errors, and sounded a lot more intelligent than Filch. (Not that most people don't.) If Peeves was Filch, there's no way he could correct your grammar, Ron, as shitty as it is."

"Hey!" Yelled Ron angrily.

"So," Harry interjected, "we know Peeves can't be the Peeves here or Filch, so who _is_ it?

That question got Hermione and Ron to actually shut the hell up for a whole minute. They had no idea.


	3. Message to Dumb Little Hogwarts Students

_Ask Peeves:_

_Dumb Little Hogwarts Students: Dumbledore Won't Let You Get Away With Shit!_

_DEAR peeves,_

_you didnt answer my question! Im asking about what do with the poltergeist of Hogwarts! Do you know anything about poltergeist banishing charms? And please, dont swear!  
'THANK YOU', Peeves_

_-marauder-lover-forever_

_Marauder-_

_I didn't answer your question last time because I thought it was a smart-ass remark, and I had good reason to believe so. Now that I know you're asking a real question, I'm more than happy to answer it._

_I looked through my spell books, and not once do any of them mention a Poltergeist Banishing Charm. Not that I wasn't sure it didn't exist already, I just wanted proof I was right. If you **really**__ want this poltergeist gone, you have to convince Dumbledore to get rid of him. That won't be easy, because for some reason he actually likes the little dullard. There's no way he'll let you get away with banishing Peeves. Have fun failing! Loser._

_-Peeves_

_P.S. You fucking don't like it when I fucking swear? This is my fucking message to you: Fuck you! This is my fucking advice column, I can fucking swear all the fuck I fucking want! If you have a fucking problem with it, you can stop fucking writing me fucking letters every fucking day. Fucker. _

_Dear Peeves,  
_

_I have a classmate I detest and utterly loathe. He always gets the credit for the things I deserve and he gets on my nerves by his very presence! What can I do to him that won't get me caught red-handed and expelled?  
_

_-Filled With Utter Loathing_

_Filled With Utter Loathing-_

_There's no way you can do anything to hurt or kill him and not be caught and/or expelled. In my days at Hogwarts, even I was only able to kill a few people, and then I figured I better stop before I was caught and expelled. The headmaster had suspected me for a while. If ol' Peeves was only able to trick Dumbledore a few times, there's no way anyone else, especially you could do it at all. Give it up, fucktard._

_And lastly, this week's random I-don't-give-shit question,_

_Dear Peeves,_

_Should I use the charm I found to conjure a flock of flying monkeys to attack my annoying neighbors or is that too unoriginal?_

_-Lucillia_

_Lucillia-_

_Do whatever the hell you want, psycho. Just be sure I'm not one you neighbors, or I'll be forced to **kick you with my steel-toed boots!**_

_-Peeves_

A/N: I just put an Ask Peeves column in this chapter, but next time I'll be sure to include a lot more with Harry, Ron, Hermione, and other characters. Keep sending your questions! (Even if Peeves tells you otherwise.)


	4. Dullard's Guide to Punctuation

"You know Ron," said Hermione the following day when the Daily Non-Prophet arrived, "I really think you should read some other sections of the Daily Non-Prophet besides Ask Peeves."

Ron had been talking about how great he thought Peeves was all day, and was doing inadequately in classes because of it.

"She's right you know." Agreed Harry. "Ask Peeves is funny, but you're starting to act like he's a fucking god."

"I'm not. That's totally bullshit, dullard."

"You're using the word dullard. That's proof right there."

"I just like the word. Is that a crime now? And Hermione, why the hell would want to read another part of that newspaper? None of the other content could possibly be funnier than Ask Peeves."

"You're wrong." Said Hermione. "Even if you don't agree I'm sure Harry will. You see, the Daily Non-Prophet is a spin-off of the Daily Prophet. Most of the articles making fun of a typical article from last year. You know when they were making false publications about Harry and Dumbledore? Since the editor never gives their name, all I know is whoever runs this paper must be really pissed at the Ministry."

Ron looked at Harry suspiciously.

"It sure as hell isn't me! Do you think I'd have time to write all that every day?" Harry said defensively.

"I know you don't", Hermione said briskly, "but you should really read this, Harry.

As she handed the paper to Harry, Ron grabbed it and yelled angrily: "Not until I read today's Ask Peeves!"

Knowing that it would be a lot easier than arguing with Ron, Hermione let him read it.

_Ask Peeves:_

_Dullard's Guide to Punctuation_

_My asshole boss, the goddamn editor-in-chief, got all pissed at me for not writing a stupid introduction last time. So here's the damn thing: Punctuation marks aren't just a bunch of meaningless symbols. They actually mean things when used in sentences, what a concept! I have a letter from an idiot today who doesn't know to end a question with a question mark. Maybe they'll learn how after I **perform an acupuncture on their eyeballs with a dirty needle.**_

_Is that good enough for you, asswipe?_

_Dear Peeves,_

_You suck. Why do you suck so much. I could write better columns then you._

_-Random stanger number 1._

_Random Stranger Number 1-_

_I suck. How original and intelligent. The only thing that could've made it more intelligent is if you had stated your question properly. You see in most languages, or at least in English, we end a question with a question mark. They look like this ?. "Why do you suck so much." is not a question, however, "Why do you suck so much?" is a question. As for the last part, I highly doubt someone who's just learned about question marks could write a better column than me. Oh yeah, I almost forgot you spelled part of your name wrong too! Excuse me while I laugh in your face!_

_-Peeves_

_Ok, that was a good one, now onto another insipid question._

_Dear Peeves,_

_Today's the first day of a break from Psesarian (A witchcraft school in America). My Mother and brother were supposed to go to Iowa, but their car broke down and they are muggles so they're staying home. I was supposed to actually be HAPPY for the week but it is ruined with pounds of homework, Mothers nagging and complaining and my ogre of a brother who hogs the computer. How do I get rid of them without resorting to violence?_

_-Lix the Elf_

_Lix the Elf-_

_Enlighten them on the usage of Floo Powder. That'll get them to Iowa faster than any damn Muggle appliance. Sure, you'll probably get expelled for it, but I'd rather not have a dullard like you become a fully educated wizard._

_-Peeves_

_-???????????????????????????????????_

_??????????????????????????????????-_

_Damn it! Can't anyone use question marks correctly??????????????????????? Is it really that hard???????????????????? You use ONE and only ONE when there's a question being asked, unless you're making fun of someone.  
_

_-Peeves? (Not a question. I just thought I'd give you morons a little more punctuation advice so you're more deserving of it when I** make you splinch.)**_

A/N: I'll put the article in the next chapter!_**  
**_


	5. Harry and Ron: writers for the DNP?

After Ron had finished reading and obsessing over the latest Ask Peeves, there wasn't enough time for Harry to see anything else in the paper. Reluctantly, the three of them left the Great Hall and headed to the greenhouses for Herbology. About half way there they ran into Draco Malfoy and his two, as Peeves would say dullard friends, Crabbe and Goyle.

"I know it's you three who are writing that unbelievably bad _Daily Prophet _spin-off." Malfoy said.

"And what evidence would you have of that?" Hermione asked.

"For starters, Granger, I want to address an article printed today that I know was written by Potter. Most of the things you write make fun of the _Daily Prophet_, which I'm fine with because they were very slow on realizing the Dark Lord was at large again. Not that I minded it. But this time, pothead, it insulted the Dark Lord and Death Eaters such as my father, and ME it insulted me as well. I found it highly offensive as will the Dark Lord and all Death Eaters!"

"Even if I had the slightest idea what the fuck you were talking about," said Harry, "I would still say that that's total crap. Voldemort the other Death Eaters, especially you and your pureblood-manic dad, aren't exactly the most liked people now, are they?"

"That's another thing!" Malfoy yelled angrily, "In the article they call the Dark Lord by his real name! Everyone knows you're the only one stupid enough to do that apart from Dumbledore."

"Preparing to take your dad's place when he's killed or thrown back into Azkaban? Because I've only heard Death Eaters call Voldemort the Dark Lord or defend him that much."

"That exact phrase is in the article when bagging on my dad and I! I have proof it's you now!"

"I've never even read this article you claim I wrote, but the person who did probably put what I said in there because it's just too true."

Ron and Hermione left Malfoy and Harry to their argument and continued to the greenhouses.

"How dare you say that! The Dark Lord will kill you because of that article you wrote! You won't live to see tomorrow!"

"It's funny how this pathetic loser has been trying to kill me since I was one-year-old, and now according to you will suddenly be successful because I supposedly wrote a newspaper article that offended him."

"Don't get smart with me, pothead. I know you write the fake news articles, Weasley writes Ask Peeves, and Granger helps them sound a little more intelligent. Not that it helps much. Oh yeah, another thing I'm pissed about is Peeves, aka Weasel gave me some shitty advice yesterday."

"Pothead," said Harry ignoring everything else Malfoy had said, "What a creative name. I think you should ask Ron to take his place as Peeves, because that was one badass insult!"

"So you admit that you guys are writing it?!"

"On second thought, I think I'll revoke that invitation. Anyone writing Ask Peeves has to be a an expert on sarcasm."

With that Harry sprinted off to Herbology, hoping not to be too late, and keeping his middle finger pointing at Malfoy. Malfoy, too angry to speak, was shouting incoherent insulting at Harry all the way there.

"You're late, Potter." Said Professor Sprout when he arrived, "but I know you were probably starting to write tomorrow's edition of the _Daily Non-Prophet_, and I do love that paper so I'll let it go this time."

Harry would object, but he didn't have time to do a detention, nor did he really want to, so he just took a seat next to Ron and Hermione.

After class when they were leaving and were sure no one was listening Hermione asked:

"Are you really writing for the _Daily Non-Prophet_, Harry? Ask Peeves sounds like it could be you, and the fake news articles are obviously written by someone who has the same views as you in regard to Voldemort, Death Eaters, and the Ministry of Magic."

"It's not me. I'm not lying. I have no idea who's writing anything, but what I am sure about is that half the school thinks it's me by now."

"I don't know who it is either!" said Hermione, "although I have a feeling the whole paper is written by the same person. The whole thing is very offensive and sarcastic, even if Ask Peeves is of lower quality than the 'news' is."

"I would have an opinion on that too, if I'd ever gotten a chance to read something besides Ask Peeves… RON!"

"What? I can't be arsed to read anything besides Ask Peeves, and don't think you should be either." Said Ron.

"So in other words," Hermione retorted, "you're ignorant and you want Harry to be too."

"Sure, whatever you say, but," Ron lowered his voice, "I have an idea of who this Peeves is even if you guys don't."


	6. New Peeves Suspects and Column

"I can't believe I didn't see it before!" said Ron.

"See what?" Harry asked as he, Hermione, and Ron headed inside to Transfiguration.

"Who Peeves is! It's so obvious!"

"Maybe to you," said Hermione, "but I still don't know, so would it be too difficult to inform me?"

"Ok, it's…FRED AND GEORGE! It's their kind of humor! I don't know about the rest of that damn newspaper, but I'm sure they write Ask Peeves."

"I can just picture that," said Harry, "Fred and George sitting at the back of their store insulting people when business is slow."

"Ron, you actually make sense for once! That explains why Ask Peeves is the only unfunny feature in the Daily Non-Prophet, although it does eliminate the theory that all the writers for the paper are the same person."

"What're you talking about, Hermione? Even if you don't like Ask Peeves you have to admit Fred and George are hilarious."

"I guess some of their ideas are amusing, but some are just stupid, including Ask Peeves."

"Whatever, Hermione. I let you insulting Peeves slide this time, because I'm so happy I found out who it is. I gotta write 'Peeves' a letter saying how he needs to try harder hiding his, I mean _their_ identity."

The next day Peeves had again helped three deserving people with his advice.

* * *

_Ask Peeves:_

_Alternate Universe Alchemy, Disgusting Lycanthrope Problems, and Getting a Guy to Notice You_

_What's wrong with you people? Can't anyone ask a question worth answering? I have three people today all of which should have thought twice before writing to me. One asks a question that makes no goddamn sense, another tells me some repulsive shit he should keep to himself, and that last one asks an obvious, self-explanatory question. If any dipshits reading this want to write to me, you better know every question answered today as an example of what NOT to ask me. _

_Dear Peeves,_

_What is Alchemy exactly in the Harry Potter World? In the FMA world, it is equilivent exchange and all that rules but here, Flamel created the Philosopher's Stone with only stuff or something!! It requires alot of human sacrifices in FMA so what is it in the HPW?_

_-Takashi Roiji_

_Takashi Roiji-_

_The Harry Potter world? Even though most of the brainless idiots at this paper and in the rest of the country worship that kid, doesn't mean there's such a thing as "the Harry Potter world." I have no idea what the FMA world is, but I'm guessing it's some kind of non-existent alternate universe. I'm assuming that you're comparing the real, Harry Potter obsessed world, to this fake "FMA" world. Since I'm feeling especially nice today, I'll give you the definition of alchemy._

_Alchemy: A form of chemistry used by broke potions nerds to turn their worthless metals into gold. Another definition is these same losers finding the elixir of life, which allows them to live their pointless, miserable lives forever._

_I hope this definition was some help to you! If it wasn't, don't get pissed at me because your question a. didn't make any goddamn sense, and b. wasn't asking for advice. I actually shouldn't have answered it at all._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_I have a bit of a problem, I'm a werewolf. Normally I take a Wolfsbane potion to prevent 100 transformations and since I was single for years the sexual side effects never bothered me. I recently started dating a clumsy but oh so beautiful witch and am eager to go to bed with her. I'm just scared that the side effects of the potion (multi-coloured pus-filled boils that shoot out sparks when I get excited) will turn her off. Should I stop taking the potion and risk killing dozens of people, or just yank it out and hope it doesnt scare her away?_

_-R.L._

_R.L.-_

_Look, I sure as hell didn't want to know what kind of sick shit the side effects for Wolfsbane are. I gave some good advice to the last fucktard, so I don't see why I should give some to you too. Get lost._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_There's a guy I really like at Hogwarts. Problem is, I don't know if he notices me. What should I do?_

_From,  
_

_-In Love_

_In Love-_

_Have you ever tried TALKING to him, you fucking wuss? It might actually work, and it would show people you're not mute._

_-Peeves_

"If it is Fred and George, they are hiding their identities well," observed Harry, "I gave them the money to start their damn careers, so they'd better like me!"

"Do they have to worship you?" asked Hermione.

"No, it annoys the hell out of me when people to do that just as much as when people are assholes."

Ron who wasn't listening, but rereading Ask Peeves, said "Those gits better answer my question tomorrow, or I'll kick them with MY steal-toed boots."


	7. Those Damn Weasleys

_Ask Peeves:_

_Those Damn Weasleys_

_If you're a member of the Weasley family, don't even think about writing to me. I fucking swear those people are stalkers! No, I'm not Fred or George Weasley as two people made the mistake of asking me. You retarded ugly fucks need to get lives instead of trying to figure out every detail about an advice columnist!_

_Dear, dear, Peeves,_

_Are you interested to date a cute girl with red hair? If you do please send me an owl!_

_-Ginny Weasley_

_Ginny Weasley-_

_What are you ten-years-old? I'm not a pedophile, sicko._

_Dear "Peeves",_

_I knew it! Fred, George, you're not very good at hiding who you are! And you'd BETTER answer my question, dullard._

_-Ron Weasley_

_Ron Weasley-_

_I obviously AM good at hiding who I am, because you're wrong. And it wasn't a question, so you're the dullard._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_You are very offensive and I demand you stop answering questions now. I have reason to believe you are none other than my two immature, obnoxious twin brothers. You've already embarrassed me enough with your insipid joke shop, but Ask Peeves? It could ruin a promotion for me if my boss finds out we're related. Do I have to ask they Daily Prophet to sue you for ridiculing them? I could of course. I have connections with the staff there. Consider this a warning._

_-Percy Weasley_

_Percy Weasley-_

_You can believe whatever the hell you want, but the truth is I'm not any one of your many siblings. You just ruined a promotion for yourself if your boss is reading this, you arrogant asswipe. I've had enough with your whole goddamn family; you all seem really fucked up. As for telling the Daily Prophet about this newspaper: go right ahead. I'm sure they already know about the Daily Non-Prophet, and I'm sure they also know there's not a damn thing they can do about it. Parodying isn't illegal, you ignorant freak. _

_-Peeves_

"I know it's them now. They insulted my family to make people think it couldn't be them. And did you notice they insulted Percy way worse than me and Ginny, because they know he's the world's biggest prick and couldn't resist." said Ron after reading the next day's Ask Peeves.


	8. Spelling and Grammar Fun Time

_Ask Peeves:_

_Spelling and Grammar Fun Time With Ask Peeves_

_Don't you people get it? Spelling counts. Grammar counts. If you can't bother even formulate a proper question, why the hell should I waste my time answering it? So if you're actually capable of thinking -- unlike the people who submitted today's questions -- you can send me a well thought out question at the Daily Non-Prophet._

_Also, if you read me column enough you know I've been accused of being many people, none of which are actually me. I you have an idea of my identity that actually **makes some goddamn sense, **send me a letter telling me about it. (As you may guess this wasn't my idea. It was the same person's idea who designed that shitty logo.) If not, get lost._

_p33v35,_

_my n4m3 i5 t0m (ru!53 n i lyk w4nt 2 b 4n 4l!3n byt a11 i 4m is a m0v!3 5t4r. c4n u h31p m3 b3cuz i r11y w4nn4 b3 a 41!3n n 411 1 4m n0w !5 a h4rry p0tt3r fr34k5 s(r33n n4m3. H31P!!_

_-T0M (RU!53_

_T0M (RU!53-_

_LOL OMG!!!!!!!!!! ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!! U R A DU11ARD!!!!!!!!!! L3RN 2 SP34K ENL11SH 1F UR G01N 2 R1T3 2 M3!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_-P33V3S_

_Dear Peeves,_

_You're really cool, y'know? And I'm sorry to say that I, at first, thought you were the polterolgist. And if that's spelled wrong, blame it on the English teacher. It's her fault. But anyway. My older brothers are always on my case about something and ridiculing me. But when I retaliate, my mom goes shit crazy on me. Not cool. What should I do? (and, please keep in mind that if I was old enough to move out, it would have happened already) :)  
_  
_-Hazel Maraa_

_PS- People think Harry Potter writes the whole Daily Non-Prophet. And they think that he might be the one behind Ask Peeves. Any thoughts?_

_Hazel Maraa-_

_Judging by your 3-year-old level spelling, I know you're not old enough to move out. It isn't your English teacher's fault you can't spell "poltergeist;" did you ever consider that your brother is being an asshole for that exact reason: that you're too fucking stupid? No? Then you're one hell of a psychopath. _

_How many times will I get this? NO, I'M NOT HARRY POTTER, I'M NOT PEEVES THE POLTERGEIST , OR ANY OTHER HOGWARTS **STUDENT OR GHOST**! I just gave one BIG fucking clue there, and you're an idiot if you don't see it. _

_-Peeves_

_Almighty Peeves,_

_My friends think it's stupid to read stuff like this, but I think it's cool, since I have no real life. Also, I have a question. Ever thought of starting a Late Night TV show??_

_- Got Goo_

_Got Goo-_

_No._

_-Peeves_

* * *

A/N: I know who Peeves is. Do you? Tell me what you think! Also, the Spelling and Grammar Fun Time logo can be found in my profile along with the Ask Peeves logo and cartoon, which you can pretend appears in every column! 


	9. Someone Gets to Meet Peeves!

"Can I have everyone's attention?" Dumbledore asked that night at dinner. "As you all know, there is an advice columnist Peeves who many of you have taken a great deal of time attempting to figure out the identity of. Peeves is aware of this, and as much as it irritates him, he has agreed to meet the person who guesses right or gives the best reason to who they think he is. Peeves will be arriving some time in the next 23 hours. An hour ago when this deal was made with the _Daily Non-Prophet_, it was, as you may guess, 24 hours. So Peeves could already be here. The _Daily Non-Prophet_, is delighted that Hogwarts has taken such an interest in it, therefore, it has sent a free copy of tomorrow's copy tonight for every student here."

There was a lot of excitement after that, not only because of the possibility of meeting Peeves, but because they wouldn't have to pay the owls to stop them from pecking them to death. Just then, a copy of the _Daily Non-Prophet _appeared in front of every student in the Great Hall. And you guessed it; Ron flipped right to Ask Peeves while Hermione rolled her eyes.

_Ask Peeves:_

_It's VOLDEMORT Goddamn it! Are You Really Too Much of a Wuss to Say it?_

Dear Peeves,  
What are your thoughts on the war against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?  
From,

_-Curious_

_Curious-_

_If you want me to answer this question, try addressing "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" by his proper name, **VOLDEMORT**! Damn, are people of today really that scared of a name? That's fucking pathetic; you wusses need to grow a goddamn spine. Write back when you're not such a wimp, and I'll consider answering your question. _

_-Peeves_

Dear Peeves

Are you one of the Hogwarts teachers or possibly a portrait? Why don't you try giving a full answer instead of just insulting people? By the way if you want to promote good grammar and spelling try using words that actually exist in the dictionary. Asswipe, honestly?

_-Gryffindor Girl_

_Gryffindor Girl-_

_For your information, smart-ass, I usually do give people a full answer even if I am insulting. The only time I don't is when the question is unbelievably stupid, the person asking is, or they don't ask an ADVICE question! You didn't ask one did you? Then you should be grateful I'm answering yours: If your look in a dictionary, and I don't mean one of those student dictionaries, I mean a REAL dictionary, I guarantee "asswipe" will be in there. Does that match your definition of a "full answer"? Either way, fuck off, asswipe._

_-Peeves_

Dear Peeves,  
I am an animagus that turns into a dog, my girlfriend is an animagus that turns into a bird. Do you think it is a good idea to have sex in our animagus forms?

-Hot Dog

_Hot Dog-_

_No, this is not the best idea. You're one sick fucking freak._

_-Peeves_

Hermione, who wasn't reading Ask Peeves smiled to herself.

"You liked that last question, didn't you Hermione?" asked Ron mischievously. That just made her smile bigger. Ron was such a dullard.


	10. Almost The Best Moment of Ron's Life

Hermione had figured out who Peeves was. It was very obvious and she only doubted it at first because it was an unlikely column for this particular person to write. Ron had to be stupider than she originally thought to not see it. He read Ask Peeves at least once a day!

Dumbledore was listening to people's arguments about who Peeves was the next mourning. (It was Saturday therefore there were no classes.) One person went into the Great Hall at a time to present their reasoning. Ron had obviously shown up too, and Hermione asked, "Who do you think it is?"

"No question, it's Snape. I figured put it had to be a teacher here, and Snape sounds most like Peeves: always pissed off. I'm surprised to see you here, Hermione. Who do you think Peeves is?"

"Oh, you'll find out. I'm sure I can get you in to meet Peeves once I guess correctly."

"What're you talking about?"

"It's so obvious who this 'Peeves' is, but I know you don't know and no one else is obsessed with Ask Peeves as you, so they wouldn't know either."

Hermione and Ron fought about the identity of Peeves until it was Hermione's turn to go in. She told Dumbledore who it was, knowing she was right.

"I got it!" Hermione said excitedly after classes later that day. She had opened a letter brought to the Gryffindor common room by an owl. "I've won the meet Peeves thing, and it says I can bring two friends to meet him too! We meet him right after dinner tonight in the Dumbledore's office, I think Dumbledore will probably introduce us."

Ron would've argued that he should've won as he was Peeves' number one fan, but he was speechless. He couldn't eat at all during dinner, feeling as though he would puke it up if he tried.

When at last the plates had cleared from the tables, Harry, Ron, and Hermione went to the gargoyle that guarded Dumbledore's office. It moved away letting them past without any password. They approached the door and they heard Dumbledore say, "Come in, Peeves is ready to meet with you."

Ron slowly pushed the door open, wondering who he would face inside.


	11. The End, Find Out Who Peeves Really is!

Dumbledore was sitting at his desk alone.

"Where's Peeves?" asked Ron.

"Right here." answered Dumbledore.

"The only person here apart from Harry, Hermione, and me is you."

"Exactly, I am Peeves."

"WHAT?" Ron was in shock. Peeves couldn't be Dumbledore, he just couldn't!

"Well," said Dumbledore, "I guess that's not entirely truthful. Another person wrote the column quite often, but it was my idea, therefore, I am Peeves."

"Hermione!" gasped Ron, "How did you guess it was Dumbledore?"

"He left many obvious hints, and it was so hard for me to not laugh at your stupidity." she answered.

"True, he should've gotten the clues, but he gave the second best guess. As you know Peeves has insulted Harry greatly, and shown a dislike for werewolves and the Weasleys. Professor Snape and I wrote this column together. Since I started Ask Peeves, and Hermione was the only person to accuse me (unlike Professor Snape who many people thought to be Peeves), I decided she won the meet Peeves contest. One reason I chose the name 'Peeves' because he is an angry man. I knew many people would still think of him as the Peeves here, despite how different they are. The other reason was when I was done performing a charm on the Muggle Studies classroom to allow computers to work, I was as they say 'surfing the web,' and found a website used to search for other sites called Ask Jeeves. Ask Jeeves is a low quality 'search engine', as Muggles say and cannot compete with a very helpful one entitled Google. I also thought the butler graphic made it look even worse than it was. From Ask Jeeves I made the parody Ask Peeves and even designed a cartoon that looks like Jeeves, but is making a rude hand gesture and is carrying a baseball bat. If I had put this in a Muggle newspaper it would have been much more funny, as I'm sure Hermione is the only one who has any idea what I'm talking about."

"Yes, I did notice the parody, and you're right, Ask Jeeves cannot compete with Google and Yahoo." said Hermione.

"I also," he continued, "wanted to get back at the _Daily Prophet_ for printing such fake articles last year, and I decided that Ask Peeves would be great for that. I put it in the _Daily Non-Prophet_ along with many articles slamming the _Daily Prophet._ When Professor Snape found out I was writing it, he wanted to write for it too. I said I was very busy with my job and writing all of the paper's content, so I let him write Ask Peeves a lot of times. I'm sure if you went back and looked at previous columns it would be easy to tell who wrote what."

"But Professor," said Ron, "you don't seem like the type who would swear that much or be mean to people. Snape does, but you wrote a lot of Ask Peeves, right?"

"Yes, but Peeves wasn't me, Ron. He was an angry advice columnist. I told Professor Snape to put in hints to his identity, because another purpose of Ask Peeves was seeing who could figure out who Peeves is. Most of the people figured out it was a Hogwarts teacher, but I still got an unusual person who still thought it was Peeves the Poltergeist. Now I can't be writing a newspaper everyday, even with other teacher's help. I'm asking if you three would like to continue writing the _Daily Non-Prophet._"

"YES!" said Hermione, "As long as it doesn't interfere with classes, I would love to! I'll be able to write about half, Harry can cover the other half, and Ron can write Ask Peeves!"

"I'd love to do that, Hermione, but I've never gotten an opportunity to read anything in that paper but Ask Peeves." Harry retorted.

"Then I'll show you tonight. They really are hilarious."

"And I get to be the new Peeves?" Ron asked hardly believing it.

"Yes." said Dumbledore, "You can start tomorrow."

Ron felt like he might faint. He stood there gaping at Dumbledore when Hermione asked, "If you were planning on writing Ask Peeves, then why did you put that advertisement in the Great Hall?"

"I thought it would be humorous to read people's submissions."

Dumbledore then gave them information on mailing the copies out to people, and found the majority of the people who subscribed were Hogwarts students. That meant that it was not only a non-prophet, but also a non-profit.

After all the explanations and handing of papers, Dumbledore said, "You have paper to write, get lost, dullards."

So Harry, Ron, and Hermione left the office to continue the _Daily Non-Prophet_, Ron still in pleasant shock.

* * *

A/N: So that's the end, thanks for reading my story. I plan to write a sequel soon, but for now I'll continue this story with just Ask Peeves questions. I'll keep on answering them until I run out, so keep sending them! 


	12. Voldemort Impersonators Need to Shut Up

_Ask Peeves:_

_Voldemort Impersonators Need to Shut the Fuck Up_

_I don't know why people find it fun to pretend to be Voldemort, the world's biggest loser who claims to be so badass. The only explanation is that they're even bigger losers who have nothing better to do than pretend to be a celebrity. I bet you dullards do wish you were Voldemort, at least your lives wouldn't be as boring._

Dear Peeves,

Why is there a gum under my shoe? Thank you.

-Voldee

"_Voldee-"_

_Because I put it there hoping you would be stuck to the spot where you were standing, therefore being incapable of sending me more bullshit. _

_-Peeves_

Dear Peeves,

_Do you have a therapist-or a personality changing potion? Because, all I wanted to be was a great ballet dancer but then I 'accidentaly' blew up a couple of thousand people(I have anger management problems okay?) SO now all of the sudden I have to be this great horrible world leader. And get this...everyone is calling me these stupid names! Like, voldemort and the dark lord! Help! Please!  
_

_-Just want to dance_

_Just Want to Dance-_

_You suck at ballet and have anger management problems, so you decided to do some drugs that make you think you're Voldemort. That way, you can blame you're failure on being a "great horrible world leader." There's nothing new to see here. Next question please._

_-Peeves_

_Deer Peeves,_

_I am a 36 year old man who likes to occasionally throw a sexy party. Do you know any good spells that will prevent chafing when I wear my hot pants?_

_-Sexy in Stilletos_

_P.s. You're welcome to come to one of my next party._

_Stupid in Stilettos-_

_It's fine if you and your creepy friends want to have these parties, but you shouldn't under any circumstance ask me about it! Goddamn it, do you think I know any spells for that purpose, and if I did do you think I would share them with you? You're a fucking freak. In case you didn't catch on, I'm not coming to your next party!_

_-Peeves _


	13. One Should and Two Shouldn'ts

_Ask Peeves:_

_A Questioner of My Career Choice, An Unknown Lover, and Another Illiterate Moron_

_You dumbasses **should** know why I'm an advice columnist, you **shouldn't** be in love with me if you don't know me, and you **shouldn't **write to me if you're illiterate!_

_Dear Peeves,_

_Hm. Maybe you're on to something. Psychopath? That sucks. At least you're honest, I suppose._

_Okay, geeze! Just wanted to let you know the idle gossip, sheesh. And this isn't an advice question, but I'll ask you anyway. If you know we're all so stupid, then why are you an advice columnist?_

_-Hazel Maraa_

_Hazel Maraa-_

_Reread my interview that I did when I started working here. I got fired from my last job for sticking my wand up my boss' ass, and needed a new job. I don't particularly like this damn job, but I do get to call my boss "fucktard" whenever I want and the pay is good._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,  
_

_I just wanted you to know. I love you. A lot. Do you want some odd outdated alchohol and to throw a shmexy party with dumbledore and snape?_

_-__AlLhAiLtHeSoCkMuNcHeRs_

_All Hail You Shutting the Hell Up-_

_I don't know you, so you couldn't possibly know me enough to love me._

_No._

_-Peeves_

_Deer Pevez,  
Me enlisgh aint not good. I in Hogwarts witchraft of wizardy and school, and am age of a $ year but I understand to what professors say but no listen because complications english. I now in year 2 but not wan to be forever. Peasvie, what do I?_

_-J. Zabromkni_

_J. Zabromkni-_

_I should have a rule that illiterate people can't write in questions. But wait, that wouldn't leave very many questions. Hey, that's murdering two losers with one killing curse!_

_-Peeves_


	14. Problem Solving and a Stupid Question

_Ask Peeves:_

_Learning How to Problem Solve and to Not Ask Stupid Questions_

__

Dear Peeves  


_I hate my life so much, I hate my parents, I hate my friends and school sucks ass, is there anything I could do to stop hating everything?_

_-Hatred of Everything_

_Hatred of Everything-_

_No, you're beyond help. You might as well start slitting your wrists and bitching about your life with the emo kids._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,  
_

_I am in a nasty predicament. I have offended Voldemort, and now he is after my life. I won't go to the Ministry, since they're all incompetent, but I have no where else to go. Any suggestions?  
_

_-Running for my Life_

_Running For Your Life-_

_I suggest you take on Voldemort yourself. I know someone who's done it countless times and is still alive. Go and try to kill him NOW!_

_Idiot._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_There's this one creepy guy that keeps on stealing my socks. Can you suggest any good curses that I can use on this guy so he'll quit stealing my socks?_

_-Sockless_

_Sockless-_

_And I thought the other two people were asking stupid questions? They might need to learn how to solve their problems, but at least they **had** problems. I don't want to get shit like this from you, or anyone else ever again. Get lost._

_-Peeves _


	15. Luna Lovegood equals Loony

_Ask Peeves:_

_Luna Lovegood Loony_

_So this girl, "Luna," wants me to tell people that her name isn't "Loony." She thinks she can get an ADVICE COLUMNIST to do her dirty work, so she **is** loony, as are the other dullards whose questions are appearing today. _

_Dear Peeves,_

_Can you please tell everyone my name is Luna, not Looney?_

_-Luna Lovegood_

_Luna Lovegood-_

_If you think you can get away with sending me this shit, then you ARE loony! People who know Luna: I insist on people calling her "loony" from now on. Not only does it sound good with her name, it's totally fucking true! If I catch anyone any one calling her anything else, you'll have a Beater's bat with your name on it, bitch. _

_Dear Peeves,_

_I still love you. Asswipe._

_-AlLhAiLtHeSoCkMuNcHeRs_

_AlLhAiLtHeSoCkMuNcHeRs__-_

_That's fine, as long as you never **bother me with meaningless shit **again._

_-Peeves_

_Yo, Peeves!_

_Whaz up, dog? I love pizza! Yea, I just wanna know if you like pizza as much as I do! So, do you?_

_-The Life of the Party_

_The Life of the Piss-heads-_

_Why the hell do you care if I like pizza? Are you a stalker like Sock Muncher? You better not be, or I'll be forced to get a second Beater's bat with your name on it!_

_-Peeves_


	16. Muggle Soda Has No Connection to Peeves

_Ask Peeves:_

_Connecting My Name to a Muggle Soft Drink, A Student Asking An Incoherent School Question, and a Question That Should've Been Sent to Someone Else_

_Apparently, my name when modified extremely spells the name of a Muggle soda. Not only do I not care about this trivial fact, but also I had no idea it was true. Why? Do you know what words you can make by almost completely changing a word? Dozens! I also had no idea what "Seven Up" was until this dullard informed me. There is NO significance that my name makes this word when letters are alerted. I would assume this person isn't stupid enough to think that, and just send me a letter to piss me off, but I've learned that I can never underestimate the stupidity of my readers._

_Dear Peeves,_

_Did you know that if you spelt your name backwards, added an 'N' between the 2 'E's', then a space after the 'N'and changed the last 'E' to a U, your name would be the name of a muggle soft drink? (Seven Up for all the daft readers). Are you trying to seduce muggle-borns into coming to your lair so you can feast on their eyes, by placing subliminal messages of things they love in your name? I don't know if its a coincidence or not but I think its mighty suspicious. Why all the secrecy, conspiracies and coverups? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?!?!?!_

_Quibbler-Lover_

_Quibbler-Lover-_

_Even if that pointless fact had any relevance, how the hell would that connect to seducing Muggle-borns? Because the product you think I'm getting my name from is Muggle? I don't think so, douche. Either this is a highly seductive soda, or you're coming up with irrelevant shit to piss me off because you have no life. I'm betting on the latter. Then again, there's the equally possible possibility that you're just stupid and this was a serious attempt to tell me something. Either way, fuck off. _

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_What should I do now since my former best friend told my professor I cheated on my test? I didn't, but I'm getting an F anyway, and talking to the teacher didn't help.  
_

_-Help Me_

_Help Me- _

_I can't help you, as I'm not familiar with the grade "F." I never received one in school, nor did I know anyone else who did. Ask a coherent question next time, dullard._

_-Peeves_

_Hi, Peeves!_

_I love your column, it is so funny! Will you let me create a fashion parody section, so I can make fun of all of the studpid fads going on lately? And what's your favorite color and size? I can make you a totally cool sweater as a thank you gift!_

_-Soelle_

_Soelle-_

_Normally, I would have forwarded this to the editor, but she would probably get pissed at me for sending her a letter from someone who not only had a stupid idea, but also spelled "stupid" wrong. You have to know how to spell to write for a paper, you "studpit" loser._

_-Peeves_


	17. Harry Potter Worshipers Need “Thripists”

_Ask Peeves:_

_Harry Potter Worshipers Need "Thripists"_

_If there's one type of person I can't stand more than losers who claim to love me, but in reality haven't even met me, it's Harry Potter worshipers. Did you people know that scar-headed kid himself doesn't like it? And don't get me started on his friends; they hate it even more than he does! What I'm saying is: you need a **therapist.** _

_Dearest Peevsie, _

_Is the other beater bat for me? Really? Your such a good lover! I love you! _

_-__AlLhAiLtHeSoCkMuNcHeRs_

_AlLhAiLtHeSoCkMuNcHeRs__-_

_Maybe if I hit yourhead with it so hard that you developed some brain capacity, you would learn not to ever call me "Peevsie" again, how to use "your" versus "you're" properly, and not to send me bullshit letters such as this one and every other one I've gotten from you in the past. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but it's worth a try! Don't duck!_

_-Peeves_

_Dear PEEVES, _

_if you're not the peeves at school, then who are you really? tell everyone who you really are, then, so people can stop bothering you!  
_

_-Megan Gelinas_

_Megan Gelinas-_

_If I were enough of a dullard to give out my personal information, I would have MORE people bothering me! And I don't mean more intolerable letters (which I would get), I mean people coming in person to meet me. I can't stand 100 percent of their letters, so I don't think I would be able to refrain from **force-feeding them Polyjuice Potion.** _

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,  
_

_I have a question. I have this big obsession with Harry Potter. I practically worship the guy. But my parents think I need to see a thripist. What do I do to convince them other wise?_

_Megan Gelinas-_

_Well Megan, I think you're parents are right, you do need a "thripist." Not only because you filled my inbox with amazingly stupid letters, but because you worship Harry Potter. I don't feel like wasting any more time with someone as pointless as you, so read what I wrote for the introduction and get lost._

_-Peeves _


	18. Bad Capitalization

_Ask Peeves:_

_Bad Punctuation Along With Stupid Questions_

_Look douche, I don't feel like writing a lot so I'll just say this: if you're going to write to me, learn how to capitalize correctly and ask a worthwhile question. Dumbass._

_Dear Peeves,_

_someone stole my underwear! what do i do?_

_-naked underwear lad_

_Naked Underwear Lad-_

_You should beat the shit out of him, get your underwear back, and write the rules of capitalization on them. That way, whenever you need to know that the first letter of every sentence is capitalized, you'll have to pull down your pants (hopefully in public) to find out. You deserve the embarrassment, dullard._

_-Peeves_

_Dear peeves_

_i like cereal. Si and i like mas potatoes._

_-fucker _

_Fucker-_

_**Sigh,** I didn't think I'd get two letters with shitty capitalization (not to mention with stupid questions), but as I've said in the past: I've overestimated your competence._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_I dropped my potion on the girl I'm in love with and now she's... let's say... purple and ugly... Can you tell me how I can help her to change back in the beauty she has been? 'Cause I don't want to die really slowly and really painful..._

_Greetz,_

_-Neville_

_Neville-_

_First you admit that you're shallow, and then you say something that's totally unrelated to the question. Congratulations, you're officially stupid._

_-Peeves _


	19. I'm Back, Unfortunatly

_Ask Peeves:_

_I'm Back (groan)_

_Yeah, I know it's been a while since I've answered your stupid questions, but I was taking a well-deserved vacation! When I returned, I was disappointed to see you once again didn't fail in filling my inbox with insipid shit. Damn, now I actually have to answer this crap._

_Hey Peeves,  
_

_My computer deleted all of my files. Do you know how to get them back and how?  
_

_-Justin_

_Justin-_

_No, I don't know how to do that, Justin. What I also don't know is why you would send a question like this to me, a Wizard, instead of a Muggle who would be sure to know something like this._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_I'm grazy about a group of muggle movies named Star Wars any way to deal with it._

_From _

_-grazy Star Wars fan_

"_Grazy" Star Wars Fan-_

_I am not familiar with the word "grazy." If you meant to say "crazy," I have some advice for you: Stop watching the movies, and use your extra time to learn to spell and how to form questions properly. Another way to ensure you'll have enough time is to NEVER write to me again, dumb-fuck._

_-Peeves_

_  
dEaR pEeVeS, _

_Like omigod! I like wentlike to the like mall today and i was like omigod! There was like this mAjOr like sale and i was like omigod! And do me and like my freind were like we are like so totally like going. So like we like went and it was like such a totally cool thing. But then i had like this like HuGe problem- i like broke like a nail. I mean like my life is so like hard- and they say working is like hard. How can i like live in this like world when like people like don't know how hard my like life is? Shopping like all day is HaRd- like especailly when you like totally break like a nail! Like omigod!  
_

_-London Tipton_

_London Tipton-_

_Like ohmigod! You should like stop like worrying about things that are like as like stupid and like pointless, and like stop being such a like shallow fucktard! If you like totally don't, I'll like so totally like kick you with my steal-toed boots! Like ohmigod!!!!!!!1111111_

_Like, Peeves-_

* * *

A/N: The sequel The Daily Non-Prophet is up! 


	20. I Thought I Was Done, But…

_Ask Peeves:_

_I Thought I Was Done, But…_

_Certain people were demanding my return (Jente Bidernais!), so my goddamn boss forced me to come back to work. You see, I was still technically working for the Daily Non-Prophet, but I'd just had an amazing amount of time off. My boss tells me I'm "lazy as shit, you git", and should get off my ass and back to answering questions. And yes, my inbox is still filled with pointless questions every day, even though it's been months since I answered any questions, and even then it was after a nice break from you dullards. Enough with this damn introduction. Either read the questions and responses, or get lost._

_Dear Peeves,_

_You shouldn't have revealed your identity. Fucktard is my word by the way. Plus, I have a message for you. Fuck, shit, damn, piss, bitch, cock, bastard, FUCKTARD, etc. You curse almost as much as me._

_Love,  
T.S. Monster_

_P.S. Just so I'll be asking an advice question: What should I do if Peeves is an asshole?_

_T.S. Monster—_

_Fuck, shit, damn, piss, bitch, cock, bastard, fucktard, cunt, douchebag, whore, ass, dick, jackass, boner, asshole, damn, dildo, prick, twat, pussy, tool, minge, motherfucker, tit, tosser, etc. I win! I swear more than you do!_

_In reply to your "advice question", I think the answer it obvious. STOP SENDING ME QUESTIONS! If you really didn't like me or the way I answered questions, you wouldn't be writing to me, now would you? Get a clue, **FUCKTARD.**_

_--Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_If I have sex with a MALE dog...does that make me gay because he's a male? HELP PEEVES_

_-- Harry the Dog Humper_

_Harry the Dog Humper --_

_No, having sex with animals isn't homosexuality, it's bestiality. That would mean that you're a sick freak and you need to take some bludgers to the head, so they'll **crack open your skull and kill you.** That dog couldn't have done anything bad enough to deserve to be raped by a freak such as yourself._

_--Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_What is the quickest way to kill a teacher?_

_--Somebody_

_Somebody—_

_Avada Kedavra._

_--Peeves_


	21. Two Trivial Advice Questions and a Rant

_Ask Peeves:_

_Two Trivial Advice Questions and a Rant From a Psychopath_

_Well, at least two people are asking advice questions. (If you dullards remember, I've had a problem with people asking non-advice questions in the past.) The problem is that the questions are asking for advice on trivial and meaningless things that they could easily figure out for themselves. (I'm especially referring to the first question. What a dumbass.) _

_Then, of course, I have a rant from some psychopathic kid. That's one thing that never changes. _

_If you want to kick any of these fucktards' asses for me, go right ahead. I already have enough morons to deal with. _

_Hey, Peeves, _

_how should I wear my hair, braided or in a bun?_

_--iwishiwereathogwarts_

_You Wish--_

_Who cares? But since you seem to be incapable of making minor decisions, I think I'll solve your huge problem by simply **shaving your goddamn head. **Actually, like I mentioned above, I would gladly allow anyone else to do it for me. I already have made plans to murder a few people today, and this would really slow down my plans._

_--Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,  
_

_Do you think it is good to have pets? If so, which is the most practical for students at Boarding School?_

_--ctc_

_Ctc-- _

_As long as you don't get a cat that looks like a small tiger, I really don't give a shit._

_--Peeves_

_  
Loser:_

_Where does your goddamn ass-sucking boss live? Because I need to go kick his/her fucking ass for hiring you. Plus I just want to kick someone's ass soon. Maybe in the will she will leave all her fucking money to you so you can finally quit this shitty job you have (that you keep complaining about) and still live nicely. And I agree, the Weasleys are mother-fucking bastards. So here's my real advice question: Which is the most painful way to kill someone_

_a. Summon their heart  
b. Drop them off a 50-ft high tower  
c. Crucio then Avada Kedavra_

_Please respond ASAP WITH your boss' home address please. Or I could go after you. Thank you, have a shitty day._

_--Miss Assasin_

_P.S. I AM A GIRL, NOT ONE OF THE MOTHER-FUCKING MALFOYS OR THE BIG-BAD FUCKING VOLDEMORT! I'M A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL AT HOGWARTS!_

_P.P.S. Anyone who doubts me is a goddamn mother-fucking bastard and is next on my hit list._

_P.P.P.S. I hate you, Gryffindors._

_Miss Ass-- _

_If you hate me so much, why don't you go after me instead of trying to get my boss first? Because you're a pussy who knows that I'd kick your poser ass all the way to the fucking moon? I think so._

_In response to your third option for killing someone: It would be more painful to kill the person using only the Cruciatus Curse, not stopping after a while and using the quick, virtually painless Avada Kedavra to kill them, you imbecile._

_--Peeves_

_P.S. HEY, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? I CAN TYPE IN ALL CAPS TOO!_

_P.P.S. I'm on your next hit list! I'm so damn scared!_

_P.P.P.S. I hate you, Miss Ass. _


	22. One More Idiot

_Ask Peeves:_

_One More Idiot_

_I'm only answering one question today, and you'll see why once you read the question. No need to explain further, the question and answer should tell it all._

_Peeves-_

_  
I just first wanted to give a shout-out to Lavender Brown and her little gang. YOU FUCKING WHORES! And also, how do I kill people without having other people think that I'm in Slytherin? BECAUSE I'M NOT, YOU FUCKING LABELING FUCKTARDS! Oh, and finally: Where is the best place to hide my hitlist? It's very long, consisting of most of the goddamn Gryffindors and Slytherin cowards and the fucking staff and the fucktards in Hufflepuffs and... well, Hogwarts and most of the Ministry and Voldemort and his merry gang of fucktards. Thank you!_

_-I'm off for world domination!_

_You're off for a kick in the shins--_

_So much stupidity all in one letter; where do I begin? I'll start at the beginning. First of all, my column is **NOT** a place for you (or anyone else) to give messages to others. If you want to tell this Lavender you hate her so much (and I can understand why), TELL HER TO HER FACE instead of trying to get in published in a newspaper, you wuss. _

_Secondly, you are possibly the biggest hypocrite who's ever written to me, and that really is saying something. At first you say how pissed off you are that people label you. You say that just because you commit murder, people automatically assume you're in Slytherin (with a whole sentence in caps, making you seem even more angry about this, I might add), and you want them to stop immediately. Then, when you're describing your hit list, you label Slytherins and Gryffindors as "cowards" and Hufflepuffs as "fucktards". Then you further label the whole school of Hogwarts by saying basically the whole school's on your hit list. You also say that Voldy, his entire little crew, the Hogwarts staff, and the Ministry are on your hit list as well. So much for not labeling, right?_

_Lastly, as for the place to hide your hit list, I have a very good, easy solution for you. So easy, in fact, that I'm surprised that even someone of your low mental capacity wasn't able to figure it out. Instead of writing every name out, you could put the names of groups of people, like you did in this letter. You seem to like labeling, anyway. If you write "Slytherin", then you kill anyone under that category. That way, it'll be small enough to just put in your pocket. Damn, I can't believe you couldn't figure that out, as you already did it in your half-assed letter._

_In conclusion, YOU ARE AN IDIOT! Never write to me again, or you will risk fatal injuries. **That goes for anyone else who is at the same mental level as this dullard.**_

_-Peeves_


	23. Steel Toed Boots

_Ask Peeves:_

_I'm Going to Kick You With My "Steal-Toed" Boots_

_A few readers of mine supposedly found a column in which I spelled "steel-toed boots" "steal-toed boots". I don't doubt this, as no one, not even myself, never makes spelling errors. The thing is, though, is that I couldn't find this mistake. I skimmed through all of my columns, and didn't find one place where I said "steal-toed boots". I did, however, find a place where I said "steel-toed boots", which is correct, in my second column "Dumb Little Hogwarts Students: Dumbledore Won't Let You Get Away With Shit," in the third letter. See, unlike you fuckers, I actually cite my sources._

_Dear Peeves,_

_For your information, it's 'steel-toed boots,' not 'steal-toed boots,' as you wrote in a recent column, which would imply that someone has absconded with the front of your footwear. How does it feel knowing you're a hypocrite whose only satisfaction in life comes from feebly attempting to insult others because you're too weak to beat them up? Do you, perhaps, have an inferiority complex involving a lack of parental attention due to your large number of brothers? Just a thought. Yes, we have those sometimes._

_-Crabbe and Goyle_

_Crabbe and Goyle-- _

_Crabbe and Goyle? Having thoughts? Correcting my spelling? Excuse me, I can't stop laughing._

_Ok, ok, that was a good one. _

_Look, I've known both of them for years, and it was obvious from the moment I met them that they were both illiterate, which means that you're a fucking impersonator. You used their names to correct a minor mistake I supposedly made months ago, because you were too scared to say who you really are. You thought you were being clever, didn't you? You thought I'd go after Crabbe and Goyle instead of you. Come on, if you wanted me to think it was someone else, you could've at least picked someone who could write._

_Whether I made that mistake or not, you're the real cretin._

_--Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,  
_

_I know that you are always complaining about improper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I can sympathize with you completely. However, since you are so against the improper use of the English language, why do you always misspell a basic word? I'm refering to your threat of kicking people with "steal-toed boots." I believe they are spelt steel-toed boots. And please don't try to accuse me of being overly critical. If you are allowed to criticize spelling mistakes, then so am I.  
Sincerely,  
_

_--Bella Cullen_

_Bella Cullen-- _

_If I made a spelling mistake, you're certainly entitled to criticize me for it. But then, you'd better check your own spelling, so you don't repeat my mistake, resulting in you looking twice as idiotic and hypocritical as I did. I'm "refering", as you put it, to your misspelling of the word "refer**r**ing". Funny, too, how my rumored misspelling of "steel" (which hasn't been proven yet, unlike your mistake) was one letter off from the actual spelling of the word, and so was yours. Oops, looks like someone's one hell of a hypocrite! _

_--Peeves _

_Dear Peeves,_

_Boys never notice me. Is it because I'm ugly, or what?_

_--iwishiwereathogwarts_

_You wish you weren't such a dullard-- _

_How the hell should I know this? You didn't include a picture of yourself along with your letter, moron. What do you expect me to do, list all of the possible reasons boys don't notice you? That's definitely not happening. So, I'll give you the most obvious reason I can think of: You're an idiot. Most guys I know like girls who at least have an IQ above 50. _

_So, go improve your intelligence just so some loser guys will notice you. This should take basically all of your time, as it will be extremely difficult for someone of your low mental aptitude. That means that if you send me any more questions,** I'll know you're slacking off! **_

_--Peeves_


	24. Content of Questions Make You a Dullard

_Ask Peeves:_

_Your Questions' Content Make You Dullards_

_No, you're not a goddamn dullard because you send me a question, you're one because of what your question consists of. If someone would actually ask me a good __**ADVICE**__ (I can't emphasize that word strongly enough) question that isn't incredibly easy to figure out on their own, isn't full of bullshit, does not include their sexual fantasies, and is actually written in English, I wouldn't label them as a dullard or insult them. But, that rarely (actually never) happens, so that is my reasoning for telling you all the truth about yourselves and your moronic questions._

_Warning: Do NOT read this first question while you're eating._

Dear Peeves :

I seek advice . Last week while I was at home with my mother , she started to unbutton her top. I took this as a heat issue and slapped my cock off the side of her face. My father walked into the room and slammed his fist into her ass , my ten year old sister crawled in the room next (she has one leg ) and chanted a spell that made my father shit in her mouth , my uncle Larry stopped by for a visit and foot fucked my sister while sucking off the family cat , my grandmother strolled in and pulled her cunt lips over uncle Larry so he was completely consumed . Then the worst thing happened , my friend Jane walked in and turned the channel to -All in the Family - The gall of her !! She turned the channel right in the middle of the hockey game. My question is , what do I say to her when she does shit like this ?

_--__Super Tinfoil Man Part 2_

_Super Tinfoil Man Part 2__--_

_Look you freak, I really don't want to hear about your, or anyone else's, sick sexual fantasies. Why don't you just go fuck your sister or something (you obviously want to) instead of sending me this shit? I wouldn't have to deal with letters from people who were masturbating to their family members while writing, and you would be getting the best experience of your mediocre existence! It's a win-win situation!_

_Now get the hell out of my face._

_--Peeves_

Mr. Peeves,  
Please do not be overly flattered that I am taking time out of my busy schedule to write to your so called 'coulumn'. Only 600 galleons and ten boquets of roses will sufice as a thank-you gift. The reason I am bestowing you such an honor as too comunicate with you is that I am willing to take over your 'coulumn'for you for the generous price of six thousand galleons and take all the money,fame and other benifets that may or may not come with the job. I am even going to allow you the opportunity to be the personal servant of my personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant's personal servant. You will be permitted to perform various household chores and paperwork and answering the questions and any other jobs I may be kind enough to assign (for no pay of course). Please have the money in by next week. YOur welcome again for giving you such a great offer.

My Greatness,

--Gilderoy Lockhart

_Your Stupidity-- _

_Wow, you really must've had some serious brain damage like everyone keeps saying. The fact that you're an arrogant prick hasn't changed a bit, but now you misspell words such as "communicate," "column," and "benefits." You also mistakenly believe that people care enough to even think about accepting your horrible offer._

_I'm writing St. Mungo's right now. We're going to make sure you're locked away in a ward with NO access to owls!_

Dear Peeves,

Is there any way that someone can write to you without becoming labelled as 'dullard'? I'm aware of the fact that I will be labelled as such when I'm done writing, but I don't care.

Greetz,

--a dullard

_A Dullard-- _

_If you knew I was going to label you a dullard, why did you bother to ask me if I was going to? You're not automatically labeled as a dullard for writing to me; you get labeled a dullard for asking a stupid questions such as this one and the two previous ones._

_--Peeves _


	25. You Dullards Are Finally Getting It!

_Ask Peeves:_

_You Dullards Are Finally Getting It!_

_For months I've told you losers to never write to me again, but obviously, it had absolutely no effect on your puny brains—until now. I only had two questions mailed to me this week! What a nice change! Hell, if this keeps up, I might be able to stop answering questions for good!_

_Dullard,_

_I have abbit of a problem, last night my head of house started to come on to me, but she's like 80 or something. I don't know what to do bcause there is no way in hell I'll do anything even remoptely sexual with that woman._

_Signed,_

_--Gryff 4 Lyf_

_Gryff-- _

_Yes, there actually is. I wouldn't be surprised if you have already. But, what the fuck, I'll give your some advice, anyway: TELL HER TO GET LOST! If you really didn't want this sick old lady having sex with you, you would've said something by now. So, that means you **do** want to have sex with her._

_Have fun fucking someone seven times your age!_

_--Peeves_

_Dear peeved one,_

_I'm going to start by stating (one of) my problem(s): I have a stalker. If that's not bad enough, I'm not the only one he is following. He's a real creep, and a dumb one that doesn't get a clue that we don't want him near us. At first we tried being subtle and ignoring him. Then we told him to his face. My friend has even gone as far to have someone pretend to be her boyfriend, and he still doesn't get it. Some of the other girls have even told him straight out that they don't like him. It's not that he's a pervert (that's my other stalker, but him I handle with violence); it's a combination of his bad smell (which people often tell him about) and his plain out ignorance. We know that most of his problem stems from being home schooled, but that's nothing we can fix. Like I said before, the problem is he doesn't get the hints. You could say, "No I don't want to go to our family movie nights- ever!" or " I really don't want you near me!" and even, "you smell bad" and all he will do is pause for a few seconds and keep on talking as if you hadn't said anything at all. How do we get him to stop? Why do I attract such weirdoes/ how do I prevent from having multiple guys following me?_

_--canweavadahimyet_

_If you handled that other guy with violence, why don't you handle this guy with it, too? Telling him how much you hate him doesn't get to him, so violence is pretty much the only other option. I recommend a pair of brass knuckles and steel-toed boots. (The Cruciatus Curse wouldn't be bad either, but I'm assuming you can't perform it.)_

_As for why these guys are attracted to you, think about it: They're freaks, and so are you. If even beating the living shit out of this guy doesn't get him to leave you alone, consider the fact that you two could be the perfect couple! _


	26. Dating Issues and Political Advice

Ask Peeves:

Dating Issues and Political Advice

That's what today's column is about. Read it or get lost.

Peeves,

I had what I'd originally thought was a one night fling. The girl was gorgeous( the fact that she was a veela helped) she's tracked me down and wants to keep going out with me, I don't have any problems with that, but her dad is a known murderer who just got out of Azkaban. He threatened to kill me if I don't stop going out with his daughter! What do I do? I want to go out with her and she's amazing, in bed and out.

Thanks,

--LightSnake

LightSnake--

There are two things you can do:

Stop seeing this girl, and be total pussy for being scared of and complying with her dad's threats.

Ignore this guy and keep fucking his daughter. (It's none of his business, anyway.) Chances are he's all talk and won't really do anything, because he's a liar. Come on, if he actually had broken out of Azkaban, don't you think he would be constantly stalked by the Ministry of Magic, thus having no time for a loser such as yourself? And even if he is what he says he is and kills you, the world will be free of another moron! It's a win-win situation!

In simpler words so you can comprehend: CHOOSE NUMBER TWO!

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

I would like your advice on a matter of importance. In the upcoming session of Wizengamot we have a vote for on the laws concerning the treatment of Werewolves in wizard society. I was hoping that you would advice me on your position on this matter.

--Arron Dullard, Sr.

Dullard--

The only reason people treat werewolves any differently than regular people (they ARE exactly like everyone else, apart from a few hours every month) is because they're a bunch of ignorant wusses. They don't realize that you won't get your head bit off by them unless you come around them on the full moon. So, they're scared of nothing.

I know the majority of the members will vote against what I'm saying, even though members of the Wizengamot are supposed to be intelligent, either because they care about their meaningless reputations, or they really are just dumbasses. But since I took the time to give you my opinion, I expect there to at least be one vote supporting it!

--Peeves


	27. You Fuckers Actually Listen to My Advice

_Ask Peeves:_

_Wow, You Fuckers Actually Listen to My Advice_

_I only got ONE QUESTION this week! ONE QUESTION! That's a step up from two columns ago when I received a mere two questions. Now, the countless times I told all of you douches to never write to me again I really did want you to NEVER WRITE TO ME AGAIN, but I had no expectations. After all, you are all incompetent dullards, and that's why I detest reading and answering your questions. Well, on to answer my ONE QUESTION!_

_My dearest Peevsie-Weevsie,_

_Oh peve-peve, Our love grows by the day, why hide it any longer? You know that I am the most attractive woman in the world and aren't looks the most important thing? You are so wise and handsome...and rich of course. Our love has the only two important things in life,looks and money. Shall we be wed soon? Write quickly peve-peve, my heart awaits eagerly for your response._

_--Lavander Brown_

_Lavender--_

_If I wasn't in such a good mood, you wouldn't be alive to read my response to this, because you felt the need to refer to me as "Peevsie-Weevsie" and "Peve-Peve". Also, I don't have the slightest goddamn idea who the hell you are, therefore it's impossible that I would love you or even know what the fuck you look like. What I do know, though, is what a complete dipshit you are. Mail me when I'm pissed off and you'll get what's coming to you._

_--Peeves_


	28. So Drunk

_Ask Peeves:_

I'm so drunk tonight that I'm only answering one question. If you care, you might want to get boozed up to, so you can CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

Dear Peeves,

I LOVE YOU! im supa hyphy! lets go ta Disney Land and be supa hyphy together!!

YELLOW BUS! w00t

--Darkmuffin666

Muffin--

I have no fucking clue what you're babbling about, but that might be because I'm so shitfaced right now. I'LL LET YOU LIVE BECAUSE I'M NOT SOBER!

--Peeves


	29. My Column Still Owns You Dullards

Ask Peeves:

My Column Still Owns You Fuckers

Many people can't seem to grasp the concept that the last column was making fun of those dullards who have the nerve to write to me on some type of drug. (I get more of those than any of you dipshits could even begin to imagine.) Although I could've made it a bit more obvious, I thought that after reading columns written by me for so long, you would've gained enough brain cells to pick that up. I guess not. But seriously, even if I had been drunk, there's NO POSSIBLE WAY for someone as intelligent as myself to not be able to insult a moron. It IS my fucking job, if you've forgotten that. Speaking of morons, we have five VERY moronic letters in this week.

Hey Peevesy,

I'm your BIGGEST fan! I adore you! And I want to become just like you!  
My advice question: How do I become like you?!

--You biggest fan and dullard...

Big Dullard Fan--

You could start by not being such a suck-up. Anyone who reads my columns regularly knows that I don't kiss other people's asses, which makes me assume that you DON'T read Ask Peeves regularly, and yet still claim to be my "BIGGEST fan". So I guess that's number two to becoming as great as me (although you shouldn't even dream of achieving that): READ SOME MORE OF MY FUCKING COLUMNS! Learn a little about me before you decide to idolize me, dullard.

--Peeves

Alright Peeve's,

here's a question for ya-  
How come you always come up with some pussy excuse not to kill people?  
Come on man, let the blood flow!

DWOC

--DWOC

If you're referring to my previous column, you can shut the hell up, because I wasn't being serious while I was writing it. In fact, I DID kill the fucktard who wrote in that question, and just so you know, that's not the first time that I've "let the blood flow". I usually try to keep it quiet when I kill someone, because for some reason, going to Azkaban doesn't seem very appealing to me. But, I thought about it again, and I decided that I'm not afraid of those pussy-ass Dementors, and it would hardly be a challenge to suck out **their **souls. But not before I get one to suck out yours.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Wow...um...yeah. Sorry..about...that. I am crazy. I also have infinite knowledge...and I'm cool. GRA! GIVE ME YOUR PENIS! ILL MAKE SOUP! SOUP!

--Darkmuffin6

Dark Muffin666 Impersonator--

Oh look, a dead dullard is writing to me. Well, unless you lived through the brutal torture I put you through last week (very, very doubtful), or you're a ghost (almost as doubtful), I'll have to say that you're an impersonator (extremely likely). You know who I hate even more than Darkmuffin666? Darkmuffin666 impersonators! I'll be killing you tonight, just to give you a fair warning, because I'm such a nice guy. Don't think I can't track you down by using your letter.

--Peeves

hEy PeEvEs,

i hAvE seXUaL FaNtASIeS abOUt yOu eVeRy nIGhT!! m0sT inClUdE mE stIcKiNg mY WAnD uP yOuR AsS!! d0eSn'T tHaT mAkE yoU s0 h0rNY?? iT mAkES mE H0rNy f0r YOu, pEevie!! lEt mE sTicK mY wAnD uP YoUr aSS.. c0mE 0N!! i'M wAiTiNG!!

--h0rNY f0R y0u

Horny Freak--

I have a feeling you thought you were being clever when you called your dick your wand. Unless, of course, you really want to stick your wand, not your one-centimeter dick, up my ass. Either way, I am completely replused by your sick sexual fantasy, although I would've been totally fine with it if you had KEPT IT TO YOURSELF, GODDAMNIT! Your sexual fantasies are your business until you share them with me, at which point **they become my steal-toed boot's business** as well.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

You should expand your advice column and write it outside of the _Daily Non-Prophet_! That way, it would be accessible to even more people! That would be teh pwnz0r!

--Sam

Sam--

You're right; my column is pretty bad-ass. The eyes of you and all of the other fucktards reading this aren't even worthy to take in something this great and elite. You should consisder yourselves the luckiest people alive to be in my presence. I'll take your idea into consideration, though.

* * *

A/N: Peeves wasn't lying to get Sam to fuck off and actually did think long and hard about his suggestion to expand, and he decided to do it. Peeves is now answering questions on his own website, which can be found in my profile, because this damn site doesn't let me put links in stories. 


	30. Peeves's Farewell

Back (Yes, AGAIN, for the last goddamn time)

It's official: I'm done. Your stupidity is simply not tolerable anymore, and I didn't even plan on even writing a farewell column, but the _Daily Non-Prophet_ is paying me an equivilant to what I would earn for writing 50 columns to do one, so here the hell I am, assholes.

I am disgusted to note that after a whole goddamn year of me telling you dumbasses that I am an ADVICE columnist and therefore am only to be asked ADVICE questions, two of the three questions I'm answering in my last column ever aren't even real questions, and the one that is is just some stupid, bullshit trivia question. Congradulations, you have made negative progress. That goes for spelling and grammar as well. Not one of the people who wrote in actually wrote properly, the dipshits.

Where I'm going next is far away from this hellhole, and my job won't include reading questions from a bunch of fucking idiots and then responding to them. No, I'll be doing more sophisticated writing that betters suits my high mental capacity.

So, goodbye and good riddance, dullards. There's no need to keep in touch with me or even write to me ever again. (If you decide that it IS necessary to write to me one last time, I may decide it's necessary to whip out my steel-toed boots to use on you one last time.)

Read the last questions I'll ever answer for this shitty newspaper, and then get lost.

Dear Peeves,

Self am hating yourself , for yous am failing a fitta! Go to hell , Now! Yous dies!

--ctc

ctc--

Self think yous no speaks good English. Self also think yous should fuck off now before self use Cruciatus Curse on yourself.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Girl, you is so fine!! Oh, sorry, I was just talkin' to my reflection. So how is you baby? Haven't seen you in a while. Well anyway, Shaniqua called, and guess what? She wants her shoes back, that Ho!!

See ya later babes

--Darkmuffin6

Dark Muffin--

I guess if I was loosely defining what a question is, this would count, seeing as you did ask how I am, and asked me to "guess what", but besides that, this is just a bunch of bullshit statements that I do not care about. Also, I think that in addition to getting lost, you should give this person Shaniqua her shoes back instead of suggesting that I would have them (or even want the goddamn things). If you don't, I give her full permission to** knee you in the jaw**. It would save me a great deal of trouble.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

I know it's not an advice question, but why does a whip make that sound when you crack it? (i know why, but a gut at the REn-Faire had an amusing joke on this which involved tiny invisible dwarves stacked cheerleader style, so i figure it could be an interesting story.)

--i like pineapples

Pineapple--

You admit that you're not asking for advice and that you already fucking know the answer to the question, but you STILL fucking ask me? I don't get that stupid-ass "joke", nor do I want to. As for it being amusing, there's amusing, and then there's just plain stupid, and this would fall under the just plain stupid category. Fuck you, and get the goddamn hell out of my face, bitch.

--Peeves

* * *

And that concludes Peeves's column and my entire story. I thought 30 chapters was a good place to end it. While I am not continuing Ask Peeves, I am currently writing another story called Things are Not As They Seem, which I would love if you read. Anyway, thanks for reading Ask Peeves and letting Peeves brutally insult you so many times! 


End file.
